Yesterday, a certain Cartoons Hate Her published an elegant treatise arguing against the idea that there is any single, simple solution to the Democrats’ woes. For any hypothetical readers who may be centuries old (many such), the Democrats are a party in the US, but not the fun kind of party — a political party. So boring! Of course they’re losing popularity. People just want to participate in normal parties, in nightlife. Which is my point. The one simple but real trick to Democratic success is not a pet issue of mine, a flaw typical of most “there is one solution” arguments. It’s a platform of cosmic, or at least solar system-scale, significance.
As a youngster, in the early days of Facebook (said centuries-old readers will remember this era), I was in a group that advocated for the destruction of Jupiter. All manner of scientific reasoning was given: it would improve Earth’s seasons, for instance. Given nobody in the group gave any sources, I assume they were all expert physicists except me. Serious stuff.
We got a long way toward accomplishing our goal. Did you ever see President Obama discuss this matter? No. That’s because it was too classified, too serious a consideration in the corridors of power to become subject to the bovine gazes of Fox and CNN. I think those were still relevant networks at the time. Anyway, my experience with anti-Jupiter advocacy gave me professional chops as a lobbyist for cosmic causes. More importantly, though, it made me realise something that many people intuit but don’t want to admit: for far too long, celestial bodies have felt themselves entitled to a continued existence. The truth, though, is that they fear us. For if they get out of line, they can be destroyed.
I think Democrats need to lean in to activism. I think they need to become the party known for raising awareness of the evils of sunlight and, ultimately, for promising to destroy the Sun.
Given that I’m a redhead, and thus particularly oppressed by the Sun’s imperialism, I have lived experience that gives me unassailable authority on this matter. Yes, I mean literally abolish the Sun.
I’m aware that destroying Jupiter would be easier than destroying the Sun. All you need to do to destroy Jupiter is light a match near it, and it’ll burn up because it’s made of gas. Perhaps one could send a hot air balloon. This I learned in the wise Facebook group full of experts on Jupiter destruction. But the Sun is made of fire. So, just dump an ocean on it, I don’t know. The Democrats are allegedly the more educated party, they’ll figure it out. The moderate approach might be to sling the Sun out into the hinterlands of space rather than annihilate it. Making that a policy platform reeks of weakness, though. Destroy it.
The practical benefits of the Sun’s destruction are very well duh, and too numerous to list here. I’ll give a few for those to whom this idea seems obviously right but who haven’t necessarily thought it through.
No more sunburn. (Sunscreen-pushing influencers begone!)
No need for sunglasses. (Big Sunglasses has been a major lobbying front that promotes bias against Sun abolitionist truths. Don’t listen to their lies.)
No need for blackout curtains.
Sleeping until the evening becomes easier. The Sun prevents healthy sleep schedules.
No more global warming.
Piss off daylight-addicted sheeple. (Lemme fetch my “sunlit tears” mug. Okay I’m back.)
Earth will be destroyed in a few years by the traitor Sun if we don’t strike preemptively.
The Sun is carceral; it keeps us locked up as its orbiters. Those who don’t remember the time before “simp” became the dominant slang may have forgotten that being an orbiter is super cringe. Nobody wants to be an orbiter.
People who catch fire or explode in the sun will be able to live full lives. It would be a major win for accessibility.
Aside from the myriad practical benefits of kicking out our bastard Sun, the benefit of the Democrats adopting a vigorous anti-Sun position would be enormous. They’d never lose again. After all, as many credible sources confirm, supporting the Sun’s obliteration is the most popular policy position ever. It’s a silent majority thing. If you had thought you were alone in wanting the Sun to die die die die, well, you aren’t, and you never were.
(I’ll pause a moment so you can have a healthy cry because you no longer feel alone.)
(Moment over.)
So, this is my message to the Democrats. Advocate for the destruction of the Sun. Then, you’ll win those pesky elections. You’ll win all of them. After that: destroy the monstrosity that has menaced all our lives or un-lives for billions of years (or thousands — young earth creationists are welcome here). Also, hire me as a consultant and pay me weekly in blank checks/cheques.
Use this one simple trick and you’ll be back in business.
Under “FARA” (what a scam!) I am obligated to disclose that the above tractate was sent to me on musty parchment by my employer, CRAVEN (Compassionate Roumanian Association for Vampire Equality and Nosh), to transcribe and post on my blog.
Here I am hating the moon. 😔 Does that make me a Republican?
I love the sun, it's Communism to remove the sun